Um yeah, I’m not even sure where to really start. I spent 8 hours today drinking from a firehose – a wealth of information on parenting kids from hard places from Dr. Karyn Purvis as well as Michael & Amy Monroe.
You know what I realized?
Wow, we’ve really screwed up.
And hey, we’ve got some stuff right.
Interestingly while I’ve seen a lot of strategies for Beza and Luke I really think it’s our parenting of Noah (our 11 year old bio son) that needs it the most. While you wouldn’t say he is “from a hard place” he suffers many of the same issues as adopted children – ADHD, sensory issues, anxiety. All very interesting to me and of course I wonder hm, where did I mess him up 🙂
I took a ton of notes and at the end of the conference I will put together my cryptic typings and post them for those that want them and feel inclined to try to make sense of them.
But for now a few key highlights
- There is NO child that cannot come to dramatic healing
- While we are looking for tools to treat the behaviors, the MOST important thing is the relationship
- If a child has not gotten it (i.e. love, respect, etc), they cannot give it
- There is no shelf life to compassion. You can’t say “But they’ve been home 2 years…”
- Many parents don’t understand that their behaviors caused by THEIR past cause barriers to their relationship w/ the child
- Attachment is not a feeling it is a “dance” – it is a relationship
- It has to be us AND the child VS their history (not us against the child)
- We need to come to our kids with double vision – our perspective and theirs
- We need to learn how to give “yes” moments from “no” behaviors (give them something to say yes to that will stop the negative behavior)
- We should be saying “yes” 7 times for every one time we have to say “no”
- Zero tolerance for disrespect and aggressive behaviors but if we use punitive strategies we will spiral the behavior further downward
- Your goal is to connect with the child is such a way that they come alongside you, “hook arms” so to speak and you can then guide them through life.
- When the child knows it’s all about relationship instead of behavior you will be successful
Of course it’s not all work and no fun! Had a great diner with Angel and my 2 new friends – Lorraine Patterson and Amy Block. We talked, ate, talked some more (okay, a LOT more).
Then we went back to the hotel and soaked in the hot tub – talked some more. Changed into our pj’s, talked some more. Got Mary Ostyn to come hang out with us and talked some more.
And now it’s 1 a.m. and I am done for the day 🙂