Ever have those times in your life where you’re dealing with something and then all of a sudden it’s all around you?
Tonight I was reading Shalee’s post and it was one of those times. She writes about loneliness and depression and is refreshingly honest.
For the past two weeks I have been spending a lot of time dwelling on my struggle with depression that began 4 years ago.
Okay, not really. I actually wrote my testimony out shortly after coming out of that depression, but I’ve never shared it except for with a few people. But as I was helping prepare all the advertising and graphics for the series I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me.
I thought, no big deal, do a videotaped testimony. I’m comfortable in front of the camera (actually have very weird on-camera work experience I’ll have to tell you about sometime). I have no problem talking. I’ll tell my life story to a stranger. No biggie.
I got out the testimony I wrote 3 years ago and began updating it, making some changes. I decided to read it out loud to see how long it was. I couldn’t even make it through. With crying breaks it was like 10 minutes – and that’s the short version.
I had meeting last week with Pastor Greg and the creative director to talk about the shoot. Greg said how much he appreciated me being willing to share and being so open and honest and how that would mean so much to people, especially coming from a pastor’s wife because it will show them that we’re not perfect.
And I began to panic. Just a little.
I am getting ready to bare my soul to about 1,500 people that I see on a weekly basis. That is an awesome responsibility and one that has weighed heavy on my heart. I have been praying fervently since then that God would really speak to me about what to share, down to the specifics of my journey.
So in a sense, I have been reliving that journey during the last week. Recalling specific conversations, specific incidents (like the fact that I couldn’t get it together enough to throw a birthday party for my 4 year old and his friends – he still remembers the year he ONLY got a family party).
Reliving it is NOT fun! It has been a very emotional week for me. On Saturday morning after my quiet time I was just sitting with my journal, asking God what I should share, remembering things, and I could feel the Evil One trying to bring me down. He would love for me to dwell on the discouragement and loneliness that I felt during that time – to take me back to that place. Instead I am just praying that God will really just use this time to continue the healing – emotionally.
I feel like I need to go have a REALLY good cry and get it all out and then maybe I will be able to make it through the video shoot in one piece. That’s a big maybe.
We shoot the video on Friday morning – I would appreciate prayer. The video will be online the week after the message and I’ll post a link.