Julie Gumm - Author

Being Used by God

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Thanks so much for all your awesome comments on my last post. After I finished writing that post I did just sit and have a good cry – listened to some awesome music on my iPod and had a good heart to heart with God.

I also had a few close friends and prayer warriors lifting me up in prayer over the last few days and it has made a world of difference. I have felt such peace and joy at being able to share my story.

We videotaped my testimony in the wee hours of the morning today. The "Baggage" series has a whole airport theme so we actually got to shoot the video at the Phoenix Airport – but in order to do that we had to do it at 1 a.m. I got home around 4:30 this morning, got a couple hours of sleep before getting up to get the kids off to school. Then I went back to bed til noon. Still pretty zonked but I should be able to hold out until a decent time tonight.

The videotaping went really well and hopefully they got everything they needed. Now it’s up to Dana and Alvin as they edit it. I’ll post it online when it’s done – probably after the service on the 25/26.

Pouring it all out

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Ever have those times in your life where you’re dealing with something and then all of a sudden it’s all around you?

Tonight I was reading Shalee’s post and it was one of those times. She writes about loneliness and depression and is refreshingly honest.

For the past two weeks I have been spending a lot of time dwelling on my struggle with depression that began 4 years ago.

You see our pastor is doing a series called “Baggage” with a message titled “Released from Depression” on August 25/26. I volunteered to do a video testimony…without being asked…I think I’m nuts.

Okay, not really. I actually wrote my testimony out shortly after coming out of that depression, but I’ve never shared it except for with a few people. But as I was helping prepare all the advertising and graphics for the series I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me.

I thought, no big deal, do a videotaped testimony. I’m comfortable in front of the camera (actually have very weird on-camera work experience I’ll have to tell you about sometime). I have no problem talking. I’ll tell my life story to a stranger. No biggie.

Um, WRONG!

I got out the testimony I wrote 3 years ago and began updating it, making some changes. I decided to read it out loud to see how long it was. I couldn’t even make it through. With crying breaks it was like 10 minutes – and that’s the short version.

I had meeting last week with Pastor Greg and the creative director to talk about the shoot. Greg said how much he appreciated me being willing to share and being so open and honest and how that would mean so much to people, especially coming from a pastor’s wife because it will show them that we’re not perfect.

And I began to panic. Just a little.

I am getting ready to bare my soul to about 1,500 people that I see on a weekly basis. That is an awesome responsibility and one that has weighed heavy on my heart. I have been praying fervently since then that God would really speak to me about  what to share, down to the specifics of my journey.

So in a sense, I have been reliving that journey during the last week. Recalling specific conversations, specific incidents (like the fact that I couldn’t get it together enough to throw a birthday party for my 4 year old and his friends – he still remembers the year he ONLY got a family party).

Reliving it is NOT fun! It has been a very emotional week for me. On Saturday morning after my quiet time I was just sitting with my journal, asking God what I should share, remembering things, and I could feel the Evil One trying to bring me down. He would love for me to dwell on the discouragement and loneliness that I felt during that time – to take me back to that place. Instead I am just praying that God will really just use this time to continue the healing – emotionally.

I feel like I need to go have a REALLY good cry and get it all out and then maybe I will be able to make it through the video shoot in one piece. That’s a big maybe.

We shoot the video on Friday morning – I would appreciate prayer. The video will be online the week after the message and I’ll post a link.

God’s Love is All I Need

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Last weekend at our women’s retreat we heard from our beloved Beth Moore on the subject of “Loving Well”. She of course said it much more eloquently, and in much more detail, but the bottom line of our weekend was that we need to live, and love, out of the overflow of God’s love for us.

God is love. He loves us completely and unconditionally and we need to accept, and truly dwell in that love before we will be able to love others. Loving others is the second greatest commandment and really a measure of our spiritual maturity. (Mark 12:28-31)

Some probably have a really hard time just accepting the fact that God loves us unconditionally but I think I have a pretty good grasp on that.

But what does it mean to let God’s love “fill me up”? Because, really, if I let his love fill me then it should be enough for me. Love from my husband, my kids, my friends – that would all be icing on the cake, not a necessity.

So, since  my “love language” is acts of service I was thinking about how God loves me through acts of service.

What came to mind first is the biggest act of service – he sacrificed his son to die on the cross so that I would not have to pay the price for my sins. I do not know of a greater way that God has shown his love.

While I can’t pinpoint tangible acts of service (like doing the laundry and the dishes) I know that God loves me in this way. How? Because Jesus, his son, chose to love by serving others.

1. Attending a wedding and realizing the bride and groom were out of wine, he chose to perform his first miracle and turned water into wine…really good wine. (John 2:1-11)

2. He healed many, even raised some from the dead.

3. He calmed the storm when the disciples were fearful for their lives. (Matthew 8:23-27)

4. He washed the feet of the disciples. (Ew, gross – that takes a true servant’s heart.) (John 13:1-17)

5. Jesus prayed for us. (John 17)

6. He takes away my fear and anxiety. (Phil 4:6)

There are so many more but this gives me a start. So what’s your love language? (Acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time?) Think about it and then think about how God speaks to you in your love language. I’d love to hear your thoughts.