Part of the November series “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

Guest post by Suzanne Meledeo

I will never forget that morning.

It started out normal enough with my usual drive to work to teach Pilates with my then two year daughter.

As I was waiting for class to start, I glanced through my emails, giving only a cursory glance to the email from our adoption agency highlighting an 8 year old boy from China.

It elicited my usual response, “What a cute boy! I can’t imagine adopting an older child.”

First picture we ever saw of our boy!

Then God begin to work. My typically rather unemotional and detached husband sent me the following text in the middle of my class. “I want him.”

A surge of adrenaline mixed with fear and excitement shot through my heart as I comprehended what he was referring to. He wanted that 8 year old boy in the email!

We had never really discussed older child adoption, or rather, I had not wanted to discuss it, because honestly, it terrified me.

But God was working.

We talked about the possibility of adopting him, and we decided to ask for his file which we immediately looked it over. He appeared to be a smart active boy. He had a hypoplastic thumb (a thumb with no bone) and a shortened radius bone, but other than that he was healthy.

So I thought, ok, maybe we can do this by the grace the God.

Then, God provided us with an amazing opportunity. I spent an hour on the phone with a now dear friend who worked with our adoption agency. She had the pleasure of meeting and assessing our boy on her last trip to China. She told us how amazing and wonderful he was and how much he deserved a family.

God’s work was done. It was clear. This was our son!

Our boy holding a picture of our family that he drew with items from a care package we sent.

So nine months later, there we were standing in a cold room at the orphanage in Shanghai waiting to meet our precious boy for the first time.

One of our first family photos!

It has been an amazing and wonderful journey. One filled with more ups then downs and laced with the fingerprints of God.

Our boy has been with us now for almost a year. He is a pure joy to be around, loves God intensely and has changed our lives forever.

As you can see, our boy had surgery on his thumb. I am happy to report, he how has a working thumb!

So God called us to step out in faith and follow His path for lives which was vastly different from and far superior to our plan. It was scary to step out on the older child adoption ledge. There are times when it is wonderful and times when I still think I will fail, but I know in those moments of weakness that God is carrying me, ready to give me His strength. When I am weak, He is strong!

Will every older child adoption go as smoothly as ours? Of course, not. There are too many unknowns and past experiences with an older child for that to be true. But, will every parent, when following the call of Christ to adopt, experience joy, even in pain, confusion and frustration when dealing with an older child? Absolutely!

What has God called you to? Will you step out in faith?

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After struggling with infertility for 5 years, God led Suzanne and her husband, Adam, to His Plan A for their lives—adoption! Their daughter, Grace Lihua, came into their lives on May 8, 2011 (Mother’s Day) from Fuzhou City, Fujian Province, China. And, their son, Anthony Jianyou, joined their family on January 14, 2013 from Shanghai. After a career in politics, Suzanne now works as a part time Pilates instructor while home schooling their children, writing and working as a part of the Sparrow Fund Blog leadership team.

You can follow their adoption journey and life on her blog, Surpassing Greatness and learn more about children waiting for forever families on her advocacy blog, Waiting for Blessings.

Part of the November series “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

Guest post by Tiffany Castleberry

Whether you adopt a child straight from the hospital or from the other side of the world, there is a certain measure of uncertainty. One thing you know, however, is that you are going to love that child with everything in you. Your love will overcome any obstacle. (cue the violins)

After months (years) of waiting, you finally bring your little one home and for a while the excitement overshadows any doubt. But the newness fades, the honeymoon phase is over, and reality sets in. You realize one day with a panic that you don’t see happy butterflies and puffy hearts when you look at your child. In fact, though you would never, ever, EVER, admit this to anyone, you’re not even sure you like your kid. And you suspect he doesn’t like you either.

What kind of a mother feels that way?

A perfectly normal mother. You are in such good company, my friend, you cannot even imagine. But don’t lose heart. You will love your child, but it may take time.

In a perfect world, loving your child would be as natural as breathing.

We are designed for attachment. When a woman is pregnant, her brain starts producing more and more of the so-called “love” chemical, oxytocin. In utero, the baby can hear his mother’s voice and sense her emotional state. In a healthy environment, the baby feels secure and loved. After a woman gives birth, she and the baby receive a burst of oxytocin and dopamine, another “reward” chemical, when they are together doing normal new-baby stuff—feeding, holding, rocking, etc. God created our bodies to literally pump love through our veins when we have a child.

But we don’t live in a perfect world.

30% of new moms don’t feel this way (source). I suspect that number would be higher if we were honest. A complicated or unwanted pregnancy, difficult birth process, exhaustion, or disappointment can diminish the effects of oxytocin and dopamine on the mother and the child.

As adoptive parents, even if a child enters the family at birth we already have two strikes against us.
1. We don’t have the benefit of nine months of oxytocin. Because, you know, we weren’t pregnant.
2. Our child may not have the benefit of nine months of oxytocin either. They could have a chemical deficiency that makes it harder for them to attach (harder, not impossible).

The challenges multiply in older child adoption. We have to form attachment with someone who already has an established personality and might be resistant to our efforts. It’s disheartening, but remember that God puts the lonely in families. It’s His will and He won’t leave you alone to flounder.

The birth of my oldest biological child was difficult and scary. When they brought him to me hours later, I was one of those 30% who didn’t experience that love-at-first-sight feeling. I just wanted sleep. Within a few weeks, however, the oxytocin and dopamine finally broke through my exhausted, inexperienced new-mom fog and I understood what other moms were gushing about.

Maybe the perfect baby you’ve dreamed of for so long actually has a history of in-utero drug exposure and cries All. The. Time.

Or the toddler you flew to flippin’ Africa for pushes you away and throws an average of 6 1/2 tantrums every day.

Your love hormones are trying to flow, but they may take a little while to get going. This is the time you must choose to love your child, even if the feelings don’t come naturally.

That experience with my firstborn taught me that even if love isn’t immediate, it will come. When our youngest came home from Ethiopia at 4 years old he wasn’t sure about us. In fact, he was terrified! Similarly, we had a few WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!? moments. But over time he grew to love us and we grew to love him too. All we had to do was relax and wait.

That same can happen for you.

It may take time. It may take a long time. But it will be worth it. You’ll start to appreciate the little things, those tiny attachment victories that you would take for granted in a child who wasn’t adopted. Those victories will give you hope and keep you moving forward.

Hang in there, friend. You’re normal. You’re doing a great job. Keep doing what loving parents do and the feelings will follow.

It’s what you were designed for.

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Tiffany lives near Tulsa, Oklahoma, with her high-school-sweetheart husband and five fantastic kids, four by birth and one from Ethiopia. Her passions include Bible history, adoption, homeschooling, and gourmet cupcakes (eating them, not baking them). When she isn’t doing laundry or driving to her children’s activities, you can find her blogging at Stuff and Things.

Part of the November series “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

I lovingly call them Adoption Super Families. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that have adopted 4, 5 and 6 times. Their family size is in the double digits and the don’t even fit in the Ford Econoline any more.

And they’re amazing. Love them. Know many of them.

But here’s the truth.

This family that we have, this life that we have, it’s all we can handle right now.

And, if you suggest, even politely that “I can handle all things with Christ,” I will drop-kick you into next week.

Believe me, if God threw a neon sign up tomorrow that said “Julie & Mark, you must adopt again” we’d gear up and do it. It could even written on cardboard with a mostly-dried up Sharpie. We’d still obey.

But short of that?

It’s just the six of us. Two adults, four kids, one adoption. We’re learning and always striving to be better parents, but with the current needs of our children, adding any more would be to the detriment of the others.

As strongly as I believe that, I still used to feel guilty. After all, there are so many children that need families. Was it wrong NOT to adopt again?

One day I was discussing James 1:27 with someone and talking about Christ’s call to care for orphans.

“That doesn’t mean that every Christian HAS to adopt,” I told the person. “There are lots of ways to care for orphans, widows and the needy.”

The proverbial light bulb went off, and I realized that then that also meant that not every Christian needs to adopt multiple times.

Adoption is where we started, but our orphan care journey has taken a much wider road since 2007. Mark now works in full time ministry helping develop the spiritual empowerment program for Ethiopian foster families in Ethiopia. We help fund other’s adoptions. There’s my book and helping other families adopt without the huge financial burden of debt.

It’s still orphan care. It’s still about families.

Just once is okay.

Guilt should never be the reason you adopt – the first time or the sixth time.