Part of the November series “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

There are adoption cliques.

There, I said it.

It’s not really like the junior high cool kid/nerd cliques, but they are present.

During an adoption conference breakout, another attendee said that her friends, who were adopting internationally, made her feel like her domestic infant adoption was less “worthy”.

It broke my heart and shocked me. Not in a “how could they do that” way, but a “how did I not notice this before” way.

Adoptive parents are, if anything, a PASSIONATE bunch. We will raise our adoption-loving, orphan-advocate banners high and wave them around unabashedly!

As an international adoptive parent, it is obviously they type of adoption I am most comfortable talking about. The one you find me most likely to talk about. I hang around with other international adoptive parents because we have common ground.

But if we’re not careful, in our attempts to sing the praises of our particular type of adoption, we alienate others who are led to pursue a different type.

I’ve been on the receiving end of the judgement. More than once I’ve gotten the “why on earth would you adopt internationally when there are kids in the U.S. who need homes?” ESPECIALLY, when the subject of the cost of adoption comes up, which obviously since that’s a subject matter I’m passionate about, happens a lot. There are those that have made me feel like it’s ridiculous to spend $30,000 to adopt a child when you can adopt from foster care for free.

True, it may not seem logical. But we’ve already covered that logic kind of goes out the window with adoption anyways.

So here is what I know.

THERE IS NO BEST TYPE OF ADOPTION!

Every adoption means a child has found a forever family. Each has its pros and cons. Each its own set of challenges.

Without domestic infant adoptions, birth mothers who felt unable to parent their child would be left with only one choice – abortion. And I’ve witnessed beautiful, open adoptions that have not only meant family for that baby, but an additional extended family for the birth parents. Adoptive parents often have an agonizing wait to be “chosen” by a birth mother. Some endure one or more failed adoptions.

Foster-to-adopt parents have an entirely unique set of hoops to jump through and have to navigate a government system in serious need of overhaul. It takes perseverance and persistence, but over 100,000 kids in the U.S. are legally free for adoption and waiting for their forever families.

Globally, there are millions of orphans without parents. While international adoption will never be THE solution to the orphan crisis, it is one piece of the puzzle. For some of these children, especially those with medical needs, adoption might be the difference between life and death.

In high school I was a floater. Some days I’d eat lunch with one group of kids, the next day I might be at a different table. Now as an adoptive parent, I’m navigating the waters much the same way.

I am for children. I am for children in families. I am for adoption.

No matter the type.

I will advocate for every orphan. I will cheer on every adoptive or foster parent. I will give generously to help keep vulnerable children IN families and avoid becoming orphans.

I hope you will join me.

Since November is National Adoption Month I’m writing a daily series on “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

Today I’m privileged to let you hear from a fellow adoptive mom, Kelly Raudenbush.

Your friendships will change.

Unless you’re a man. In that case, every relationship is stable and predictable, and you’re good to go.

But, women? I’m not afraid to say that I think we’re generally a bit more emotionally complex. While I know every mom and her community are different, it’s safe to say adoption rocks whatever stability and predictability may have preexisted. When a family grows, their world is rocked. Add in that the addition is via adoption, and that rocking becomes a full-fledged 8.0 earthquake.

Domestic or international, infant or school aged, healthy or special needs, adoption is both emotionally and legally invasive and a juxtaposition of joy and grief by nature. And, when those tremors are felt, as they inevitably will be, the response of your community (or lack thereof) is magnified.

Some will rally around you, serving as they are able, asking questions to learn more about the process and supporting your strategies to build attachment. Praise God for those people. Amen?

Some may bring a meal or two initially but then wonder why you are still cocooning after 2 weeks. Those friends will try to hide the look of shock (some may not hide it at all) when you tell them you’re intentionally cocooning for a lot longer (“What? She looks perfectly happy and attached already!”).

If your heart is stirred, as it often is after you have adopted, to serve struggling expectant moms, advocate for waiting children, or bring Christmas to an orphanage across the world, some may think you’ve lost it and are in need of some intervention to bring you back to “real life.”

Remarkably, some may even offer a smile and congratulations but voice an opinion that says otherwise—they don’t agree with interracial adoptions, they think you’re adoption is too open, they think you should have adopted from somewhere else, or they don’t agree with adoption at all (some people really don’t).

Over three years ago, as I shared with a good friend the news that we had said yes to our daughter and were leaving for China soon, she looked me straight in the eye and said, “So, is it too late to talk you out of this?”

At a play date only weeks after we returned from China with our daughter, still fully in the trenches, while we helped our children climb playground ladders and caught them at the end of slides, the other mom told me she disagreed with international adoption entirely. It’s riddled with corruption, she told me, it should be illegal. I cried as I drove home that day.

Stable and predictable friendships. Umm, yeah, not so much.

At the same time, I found myself a member of a new community of women from all different backgrounds who have as varied opinions as the rest about how to do this thing called parenting. But, even still, there’s a camaraderie; they get it. They get the attachment struggle and the grief and how hard birthdays can be. And, it can be pretty comfortable there in our often social-media sisterhood.

Birds of a feather do flock together. It makes sense. And, those new relationships are a real blessing. I’d even say my best friendships have been built right there. And yet, while we share the adoptive mom sisterhood, we don’t share a zip code. Darn it.

I’ve learned that I simply can’t replace local friends—and as hard as I’ve tried, I haven’t convinced any of my adoptive mom friends from other places to move here and become local friends.

Local friends are the only ones who could come over late after all the kids were asleep and man the fort so my husband and I could go out for a late night conversation without worrying about a babysitter messing up our attachment bedtime strategies. They’re the only ones who I could drop the other kids off to so I could walk the mall wearing my newbie for a “break.”

They know all my kids and my husband, have watched us all grow up, and have the pleasure of sitting beside our constantly moving crew on Sunday mornings. As tempting as it may be to cling only to new friends who “get it,” I need my local peeps. And, they still need me, even if I can’t put the time and effort into the friendship that I used to be able to do.

Take it from an established friendship novice, ask God to give you discernment to know the few people who just aren’t safe people. Don’t be afraid to exercise that discernment and protect yourself and your family for a season until God leads otherwise. For everyone else, be merciful and help them help you along. Yes, your friendships will look a little different; but that’s okay. Everyone will eventually settle in and figure out what the new normal looks like—even if that takes 3 years and some hard conversations.

Have you found that your friendships have changed? For better or for worse? How do you deal with it?

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Forever changed by her experience of being adopted and adopting, Kelly is a professional juggler, juggling her calling as wife and mother with her secondary callings (editing, writing, and serving adoptive families through The Sparrow Fund. You can learn more about their adoption story, how they’ve been changed, and what life looks like for them as an adoptive family who just left corporate America to serve their daughter’s homeland on Kelly’s personal blog My Overthinking.

Since November is National Adoption Month I’m writing a daily series on “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

I was the one who stayed up until 1 a.m. reading adoption Yahoo group posts.

I was the one who blogged every tiny detail of our adoption process.

I was the once who tried to predict what size clothes our kids would be wearing and stock the closets.

I was the one who…

Well the list could go on.

But it seemed like our adoption consumed my thoughts every waking minute of my life. I never tired of talking about it. (Though I may have tired of answering questions.)

My husband, not so much.

It’s not that he wasn’t invested, wasn’t excited, wasn’t helping plan and prepare. He was.

But, let’s face it, women are wired differently.

During pregnancy we’re literally carrying around the reminder that our life is about to change dramatically. The indigestion, weight gain and swollen ankles make it a little hard not to think about that new life about to be brought forth.

Somehow, I think God allows us to go through that same kind of thing during the adoption process. Just without the ever-expanding waistline.

The danger, however, is in not including our husband in our thoughts. We may fear that he’s tired of hearing every thought that goes through our head during the day. I also knew the emotional roller coaster I was on and wasn’t sure he really wanted, or needed, to get on the ride with me.

So I had multiple outlets so my husband didn’t have to bear the weight of all those THOUGHTS:

• Friends – some who were adopting, some who weren’t
• Online groups – you have to find the right ones
• Blogging – my regular mind dump that serves as a great history record as well

How do you deal with all of the thoughts, questions, and fears that consume you during the adoption process?