Part of the series “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

Okay, so 30 posts in 30 days was a bit ambitious. But we got through 24 of them and I promise to still keep going until I get through my list.

So this one is hard, at least when you’re not on this side of it.

When you’re in the throws of adoption and every fiber of your being aches to hold that child in your arms, it’s nearly impossible to be patient.

To trust that someone much smarter than us has the timing under control.

That was  especially hard for me, a self-admitted “control enthusiast.”

We were told the process would take 6-9 months (that would be unheard of now.) It took a year.

And despite all the set backs and the frustrations, God’s timing was perfect.

The kids got to spend more time with their Grandmother.

And we got to travel at the same time as our best friends.

Friends who had started the adoption process 7 months before us, through a different agency and had to wait for an infant referral.

That God would so precisely orchestrate our plans so that our travel dates came together was incredible. It was something that we prayed for. Admittedly I didn’t pray for it as early as Jen and my husband did. They must have had more faith. I was a skeptic.

But he had it down to the last final detail.

And he has your adoption in his hands too. Every excruciating detail. Every delay. Every frustration. Every photo that comes your way. Every delightful bit of news you get from other adoptive parents who see your child before you.

He has all of it.

Trust him. Be patient. Some day you will look back and see all the tiny miracles that came your way.

Part of the November series “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

Other people assume it.

“They’re so lucky to have you.”

“What a blessing you are to them.”

“How fortunate that they were adopted.”

All comments made in complete innocence. But also naively.

I think most often this attitude is probably given to those that either adopt internationally or from the foster care system.

But it assumes one basic fact.

The kids life was horrible.

And, odds are, it was not. At least not for them. Not from their perspective.

Yes, a child removed from his home and placed in foster care probably experienced some bad things. But most of them probably experienced a LOT of good things too. They undoubtedly love their parents.

Kids living in an orphanage overseas? Well they may not even know any different. This is their life. These are their friends. They are fed, they play. They have GOOD memories. Some internationally-adopted kids come out of foster families (like my niece Julia) where they were fiercely loved and well cared for.

Why do we assume that when we take them away from everything they’ve ever known that they will be grateful?

We can see the big picture. We know that a loving, permanent home where all their emotional, physical and spiritual needs are met is best.

But adopted kids are rooted in the here and now.

So, when after they’ve been home for 3 weeks and are complaining because the other kids have more toys than them? It’s not the time to remind them that they used to play with a stick and an old tire. They will not be grateful.

When they gaze disdainfully at the food set before them at dinner time? Not the time to ask them what they ate at the orphanage. They will not be grateful for a well-balanced and nutritious dinner of food they do not recognize.

It will come…sort of…and eventually.

It may start with something small. Like this note I got two months after the kids came home. “Mom you are nese (nice).”

It may graduate to “I’m glad you’re my mom.”

And eventually you may get “I’m glad you adopted me.”

But I always remind myself that never does that mean “I’m glad I had to leave everything and everyone I know behind in Ethiopia.”

That will be a loss that my kids feel forever.

And really, I don’t need their gratitude. I didn’t do it for that. I’d rather have their love and for them to know how fiercely I love them.

Part of the November series “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

Guest post by Philip Rhodes (my big brother)

The other day, on vacation, we visited a Catholic church with a family member.  We’re not Catholic, but we visited this church a year ago as well.  During the drive, our oldest told us she was scared of the large crucifix in the church.  (We don’t remember this fear at all from last year.)  We tried to reassure her, promising to sit near the back of the church.  But, as we drove in the parking lot, she became hysterical at the prospect of going inside.  So, I sat outside in the car with her while the rest of the family went to church.  Even when my wife texted they were in the side alcove and couldn’t see the crucifix, I couldn’t persuade her to go inside the church.

When you adopt, two issues in your child’s life loom larger than any ordinary parenting issue.  First, your child suffers trauma from losing their biological mother, even if you adopt at birth.  Depending upon your child’s life circumstances, your child may suffer additional losses.  According to experts, this loss is “more profound” and “more pervasive” than almost any other loss.

Second, you must ensure that your child attaches to her new mother.  In a typical biological parent-child relationship, this happens naturally as mom cares for the child.  When you adopt your child, you teach them, at whatever age you adopt, that just like mom and newborn, you will provide all their needs.  You also have to build their trust that they won’t suffer yet another rejection.  Your child’s previous trauma may prove a significant barrier to building this trust.

The “adoption-loss” issue, and the sense of foundational rejection that comes with it, never really goes away.  At every major development stage, your child will have to process this issue again.    As adoptive parents, you help them come to terms with what adoption means to them.  There are an awful lot of adult adoptees still very angry they were adopted.  Your child doesn’t have to join their ranks.

To raise our three adopted kids as well as we can, my wife and I evaluate every major parenting issue through the lens of adoption.  When we confront a behavioral issue, we ask ourselves whether it’s adoption-related at all.  Sometimes this takes deep analysis, and sometimes we’re still blind to the adoption issue staring us in the face.

Was my daughter’s fear a simple childhood fear, or an adoption issue?  My wife and I talked it through, and recognized a pattern with other fears.  We certainly understood the fear itself.  But, we think Julia’s hysterical reaction demonstrated an absence of trust and a felt need on her part to control the situation.  As adoptive parents, we need to err on the side of treating it as an adoption issue.  And this came from our oldest, who’s been in our family for four years already.

As adoptive parents, the adoption issues in our kids constantly evolve.  But, they don’t disappear.  Helping our child address these issues is our most important priority.