Part of the November series “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

I am one of those mom’s that often hears, “I don’t know how you do it all.”

And that was before I added two more kids to our brood via adoption.

I’m what you would call a Type A personality. A “control enthusiast.” I’ve held down a full time job most of my life since 15, taking a few years off with the birth of #2.

I’m involved in ministry, kids school stuff, etc. etc.

I’m not great at delegating because I know that things will get done faster and done my way if I just do it. You’re right, this is not really a personality strength.

Years ago someone with 5 children once told me, “Going from 2 to 3 is hard. After 3 it pretty much doesn’t matter. It’s just controlled chaos.”

So what did we do? Decide to go from 2 to 4 and throw adoption in the mix.

Nothing like a little chaos to make you realize YOU ARE NOT A SUPERHERO!

For the first few months we were just getting through the adoption stuff – grief, sibling integration, language issues etc. Though I had pulled back on some activities, I was still working full time and held on to some crazy expectation that our home life would still be organized.

Insert wild, maniacal laughing here.

The biggest lesson? You have to ask for help. Actually ASK. Turns out my husband is not a mind-reader. Hm, who knew 🙂 Nor are my friends (well, sometimes they are – it’s a girl thing).

This goes for outside help too. Especially when you first bring your kids home. Want someone to bring you meals? Ask. Find a close friend and confide that it would be a huge help if some people brought meals the first week. Just like they would if you gave birth. You’ll usually find your friends are glad to help, they just may not have thought of it. Or may not have wanted to interfere. We had church friends bring meals for 2 weeks and it was wonderful. I had to sometimes make something different for Luke & Beza. But making pasta for 2 is way better than cooking for 6 when you are still on Africa time.

I had to accept our new reality, lower my expectations and learn to delegate. It didn’t come easy at first, but in truth, the earlier you start, the better.

I would love for my house to be picked up all the time. (I care more about picked up, than how often the floor is mopped.) But it’s not going to happen. I lowered my standards quite a bit for awhile, but now that the kids are older I’m getting a bit pickier. It’s easier because there aren’t as many toys. But generally while I’m fixing dinner I’ll ask for the kids to go around and pick up. Sometimes I assign rooms, sometimes not.

Here’s just a few things that work for us:

My kids all do their own laundry – in the washer, switch to dryer, fold, hang, put away. Their folding wouldn’t meet Army standards but it works for me. At least my boys will go off to college knowing how to wash clothes without turning their underwear pink.

Cleaning day – Assigned chores just don’t work for me. I’ve tried various systems and I just never stick with it. Instead, when it’s cleaning day I assign each child a job and when they’re done they come back for the next one. I try to evenly distribute the hard/easy ones and rotate around. Some children work really hard and zip through their jobs in an hour. Others lollygag and take 3 hours. (We do have a system for dishwasher duty.)

If I ask, you do it – When it comes to stuff like taking out the trash, feeding the dog etc. I just ask. If mom asks, child complies. Complaining equals you doing that job the next 3 times. I’m mean like that.

Dumping grounds – Otherwise known as controlled chaos. This is our backpack station. Kids come home and put backpacks on top of the shelf. Metal basket holds various items including things I find laying around. Bottom box holds library books. One basket on the end gets finished, graded school papers put in. About once a week or so the kids clean out their metal basket and return items to their proper place.

Pick your battles – Growing up my room was always the “messy” one. Clutter, clothes on the floor, etc. My mom would finally say “you have to clean your room this weekend.” It’s a strategy I’ve adopted with my kids as well. I don’t make them make their beds (I don’t make mine most days). I do ask that clothes be kept off the floor but other than that, it’s not a hill I’m going to die on. When it gets out of control, they clean up. I’m hoping, like was the case for me, that growing up in a organized, fairly clean household will rub off. Turns out the minute I went off to college I turned into a neat-freak.

Resources:

The Sane Woman’s Guide to Raising a Large Family by Mary Ostyn (affiliate link)

Works for Me Wednesday (A weekly blog share hosted by Kristen Welch. You can also get a book of 800+ tips by signing up for her newsletter)

When was the moment you realized you needed help?

Part of the November series “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

Before we even had Luke & Beza home, we would often get comments like:

“Wow, you’re amazing.”

“That is awesome! You guys must be great parents.”

“You’re my heroes.”

It’s the flip side of all the people telling you that you’re crazy.

Occasionally those would be finished with “those kids are so lucky” – a myth we’ll tackle another day.

And, depending on where you are in the adoption process, you might actually feel a bit like a superhero.

Tackling the paperwork is certainly a superhero-sized task. Keeping your emotions in check requires supernatural abilities some days as well.

Those comments were (and still are) a bit uncomfortable for me.

Maybe because I know the truth….that I broke down in tears at lunch the week before because of a paperwork snafu. Or that I yelled at my eight-year-old because he took too long to tie his shoes that morning. Mom of the year? Definitely not me.

Adopting does not qualify us for super hero status. It doesn’t mean I’m a better parent, or a better person. I hope that I don’t ever make someone feel that way.

So how do you respond when you hear these comments?

 

Part of the November series “30 Things I Know About Adoption.”

Guest post by Suzanne Meledeo

I will never forget that morning.

It started out normal enough with my usual drive to work to teach Pilates with my then two year daughter.

As I was waiting for class to start, I glanced through my emails, giving only a cursory glance to the email from our adoption agency highlighting an 8 year old boy from China.

It elicited my usual response, “What a cute boy! I can’t imagine adopting an older child.”

First picture we ever saw of our boy!

Then God begin to work. My typically rather unemotional and detached husband sent me the following text in the middle of my class. “I want him.”

A surge of adrenaline mixed with fear and excitement shot through my heart as I comprehended what he was referring to. He wanted that 8 year old boy in the email!

We had never really discussed older child adoption, or rather, I had not wanted to discuss it, because honestly, it terrified me.

But God was working.

We talked about the possibility of adopting him, and we decided to ask for his file which we immediately looked it over. He appeared to be a smart active boy. He had a hypoplastic thumb (a thumb with no bone) and a shortened radius bone, but other than that he was healthy.

So I thought, ok, maybe we can do this by the grace the God.

Then, God provided us with an amazing opportunity. I spent an hour on the phone with a now dear friend who worked with our adoption agency. She had the pleasure of meeting and assessing our boy on her last trip to China. She told us how amazing and wonderful he was and how much he deserved a family.

God’s work was done. It was clear. This was our son!

Our boy holding a picture of our family that he drew with items from a care package we sent.

So nine months later, there we were standing in a cold room at the orphanage in Shanghai waiting to meet our precious boy for the first time.

One of our first family photos!

It has been an amazing and wonderful journey. One filled with more ups then downs and laced with the fingerprints of God.

Our boy has been with us now for almost a year. He is a pure joy to be around, loves God intensely and has changed our lives forever.

As you can see, our boy had surgery on his thumb. I am happy to report, he how has a working thumb!

So God called us to step out in faith and follow His path for lives which was vastly different from and far superior to our plan. It was scary to step out on the older child adoption ledge. There are times when it is wonderful and times when I still think I will fail, but I know in those moments of weakness that God is carrying me, ready to give me His strength. When I am weak, He is strong!

Will every older child adoption go as smoothly as ours? Of course, not. There are too many unknowns and past experiences with an older child for that to be true. But, will every parent, when following the call of Christ to adopt, experience joy, even in pain, confusion and frustration when dealing with an older child? Absolutely!

What has God called you to? Will you step out in faith?

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After struggling with infertility for 5 years, God led Suzanne and her husband, Adam, to His Plan A for their lives—adoption! Their daughter, Grace Lihua, came into their lives on May 8, 2011 (Mother’s Day) from Fuzhou City, Fujian Province, China. And, their son, Anthony Jianyou, joined their family on January 14, 2013 from Shanghai. After a career in politics, Suzanne now works as a part time Pilates instructor while home schooling their children, writing and working as a part of the Sparrow Fund Blog leadership team.

You can follow their adoption journey and life on her blog, Surpassing Greatness and learn more about children waiting for forever families on her advocacy blog, Waiting for Blessings.