During one of the breakout times at CAFO Summit 7 I ended up in the “Post Adoption Depression” session because the one on sibling transition (which I think should have been called “How to help your adopted & bio kids NOT hate each other”) was canceled.
Of course, I’ve had my own lovely journey through PAD, but I was curious what the speaker would say and if I would learn anything new. It was a good session but not anything earth shattering.
Until one of the attendees commented that here, at this gathering of 1,500+ orphan/adoption advocates, she felt left out because they were adopting because of infertility, not to “save” a child. (I’m paraphrasing here, but that was the gist of it.)
I quickly realized, that although it made me cringe, I could TOTALLY see that!
(The subject of adopting to “save a child” is a whole other post worth some discussion.)
It’s easy, especially in the international adoption field, to look at a child’s current situation and see how much better they will be when they are in a family. Adopting them will dramatically alter their lives, sometimes literally saving it.
We see these huge families that have adopted 8, 9, 10 or more orphans and we focus on the benefits to the children.
And all of that is GOOD!
Unless those of us who have both bio and adopted children, those who had a choice, are somehow making the infertile couple feel like their motives are any less pure.
Unless we’re saying to her, “Well your adopting because it’s what YOU want, not because a child needs you.”
Because her motives are not any less right. They are not any less valid.
God created us to parent. He created women to want to nurture and protect a child. He gave her that desire!
And instead of giving up, she is choosing life. Like us, her adoption process will be difficult and expensive. But on top of that, she is dealing with the loss of her own dreams. She will never carry a child in her belly. She will never experience the wonder of childbirth.
What are we doing to help her heal from her loss?